Marriages Ending: A Woman's Perspective

A WOMAN’S PERSPECTIVE

My heart is breaking as I hear of these friends of ours whose marriages are near ending.   Each of these couples is comprised of two wonderful, caring people….  Who, from the outside, are quite probably still in love, but time has taken its toll.    In each case, the woman is pulling out…  but to me, that is just her way of CRYING out.   This is her way of saying she is hurting…. Is tired of being on the back burner.  It may be too late, but it may be the perfect time for her man to interpret her actions, hear her heart, and make a choice to fight for her – for their marriage.    It takes risk, and courage.  But that’s what she’s looking for and it’s what these men have. 

Here’s my woman’s perspective.    These men are all successful.   They have had to fight hard and persevere through difficult situations to be where they are now.    They know how to fight and persevere.    This, to me,  is the time to take all that experience in winning and fighting and apply it to the most important relationship in their life.

My heart’s cry is that they would fight to win their women back.    Fight to win their hearts.    It may mean starting over:   courting her, taking time to serve her, find out how to woo her again….. maybe like at the beginning.     Many men I’ve talked to think, ‘well, she knows I love her….’     But she doesn’t.  A woman only FEELS loved when she is pursued, valued above all others, told and shown,  and treated like a princess.

A woman wants to feel as though the man has her in mind, even when he is out winning at his job.  She wants to feel missed when he’s away and needed when he is home.   She wants to feel pursued;  like he would go to any lengths to win her heart again.     A woman wants to feel  as though she is PART of his success, his work, his 9-5;   that he values sharing that part of his world with her, values her input, and needs her encouragement to keep going.  

A woman feels loved when she sees her man making her his first priority:  more important than his job (though he must do it well), more important than hanging out with the guys, more important than his hobby.   She will only FEEL like a priority when he shows it by his actions:   invitations to join him, decisions to be with her instead of others, even decisions to turn down opportunities and advancements if they will mean he is away from her too much.

When retirement comes, the job success will have been great.   But the house may be empty.  NOW is the time to fight for the long term relationship….  The one who will be there when he is old and gray.  NOW is the time to fight for her heart.    She doesn’t want to end the relationship….  She feels as though it is already ended….   Like there ISN’T one.     Now is the time to begin again.   To pursue her, to fight for her, to patiently give and serve her, to study her and listen to her, to be her admirer, to enter into her world, too, and care about what is important to her;  to take responsibility for his part in all of it,  maybe ask for forgiveness,  and do it the next day and the next and the next.    

Red River Valley Nancy Dawn Wesley Rediger

To Date or Not To Date: WHAT is the question?

       So you've met this really great guy!!   He's cute, he's funny, he gets along with everyone!!   Even your parents like him!!   WooHOO!!!        And I am excited for you!   
      I know you just started dating, and it's definitely not a serious thing yet....   But in my 20+ years of mentoring young women, I've learned that there are some great questions to be asking as you get to know this young man.  Questions to ask EARLY on in the relationship.  Questions that will help you down the road of   'could he be the one?'    I know many people think, "Aw, it's just casual college dating!  (or) they're just in high school!    It will pass!  It's a good time to find out what you like and don't like!"  Which can be totally true.   Or the opposite can be true, too:   For example, now that I have an 18 year old son, I am realizing that I started dating his father when I was HIS AGE!!   Now we've been married 22 years, and we're more in love than ever, praise God!   But in the past three years, I've walked with four of my closest friends  through painful divorces (and these after years of painful marriages and counseling.) 
         So why do some make it and others don't?    Honestly, there's no simple answer.    And honestly, only the grace of God can be attributed to the ones who do make it.   But I HAVE seen some things over the years that seem to be true in most cases;and these have taught me a few questions to ask in the EARLY stages...   that might just save some pain and heart-break later in life!  And I care enough about YOU to ask them now!!
         "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.  For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?  Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  ....  What does a believer have in common with an unbeliver?  What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?  For we are the temple of the living God."
II Corinthians 6:14-18
         This is the best place to start:
 QUESTION #1:  Is he a 'believer'?   Most of the time I ask this question, I will get a yes, for most people do say they believe in God.    Unfortunately, this may not be enough information:   Jesus said that "even the demons believe and tremble";   but the demons didn't believe enough to follow Him!
         A common follow-up question is , "Does he have a relationship with Jesus?"    which I've found to be a good question, but maybe a little too vague.   What exactly does it mean to have a relationship with Him, how can you tell, and what does that look like?    So instead, I like to ask it like this:
QUESTION #2:   Would he be living for Jesus, loving Him and wanting to honor Him in all things, if you were not in his life?    If he weren't dating you, would he still 'go to church' - or even better, would he be seeking God on his own?    Does he make decisions in his life based on the word of God, or on the advice of his friends?   Does he want, more than anything, to please God - or does Self still sit on the throne of his life?  Does he have a humble spirit that KNOWS he NEEDS God and not just depend on himself?   Does he have other believers in his life that he learns from, listens to, and shares life with? 
          'Cause here's the deal.   This "really nice guy"  is crazy about you.  At this point, he will do and say just about anything to date you.    I'm not calling him a liar or even insincere;    he may be VERY honest and very sincere in his desire to learn more right now.  Maybe he's learning to pray and even is open to going to church with you.     But if you stopped dating.........      would he continue?    Because if this 'faith' he is claiming is not his own - if it's just because you are encouraging it and he knows it pleases you - IT WILL NOT LAST.   It is not a "relationship" with God, but a doing of some new activities.     Here's what I've seen over and over again:
Once you are married, he may continue to go to church for awhile, but then his golfing buddies want him to join this Sunday league with them.   Or he may be working and going to school, and Sunday is his only day to sleep in.   You can go, and he'll go with you next week.    But next week turns into next month and next year.
        Or you want to start going to bible study together, or have devotional time together.   If this was never a part of his life  'on his own'..,..  he won't have a value for it.   He will encourage you to go ahead, cause you are 'into that kind of thing."    And so you will.    And when it comes to 'how to spend our money' or 'how to raise the kids', look out.  You will be coming from one perspective, one set of priorities, and he will be coming from somewhere else.  "what agreement is there between the temple of God and idols (other gods/priorities)?"
        In the Holman Christian Bible,  the passage above starts out with,  "Do not be mismatched with unbelievers."
In the King James version, it uses the wording,  "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers."  We can learn a lot from this whole  "yoked"  idea:
           In biblical days, the farmers used oxen YOKED together (can you picture the wooden 'yoke' put over their heads that kept them together?) to increase their strength  & speed as they pulled the plow behind them.    It kept the oxen going in the same direction, at the same speed, keeping them from veering off in separate directions.   Together, the oxen were stronger.    Together they could accomplish their job in half the speed and with half the work!   Together they made a great team with great results! 
          But if the oxen were "unequally yoked"   or 'mismatched"  they were in trouble.  If one ox was much stronger than the other, the rows were always crooked, and the stronger one carried the burden of the work!  If one ox were faster than the other, or the slow one just sometimes 'didn't want to go', it was like going around in circles,  getting no where.    Eventually, the stronger ox gets frustrated, mad, &  worn out from carrying the heavy burden all by himself (and maybe files for divorce??!!)
        I think you get the point.   It's so much more than just dating a 'believer'.   It brings me to my
QUESTION #3:    Are you equally yoked?      This doesn't mean your faith looks exactly like the other's, or that you are both on the exact same level of spiritual maturity.    It DOES mean, however, that both of you are moving in the same direction WITH THE SAME DESIRE and HEART - to WANT to grow in Jesus, to make Him the Lord over every area of your lives. You have the same GOAL and Priority.   And you are COMMITTED to work together, to support each other in whatever God is calling the other to, to submit joyfully to whatever God's will is in each situation. 
        My husband and I have very different giftings.   I love to study the bible for hours at a time.   He'd rather be up and SHOWING another young man how the bible applies to his work, his marriage, his finances.   I could worship with my favorite music for hours.   He'd rather worship God by fixing our neighbors car and taking food to the family in need.  (we both do all these things to some degree, it's just that our giftings and passions dictate what our 'faith' looks like!)    So don't think you have to be the same:    God usually pairs you with someone who will BALANCE you out in many areas!    But our end goal is still the same!
        Last question:
QUESTION #4:   Does he love well?  ( It is possible to find a guy who is passionate about God, the bible, and ministry,  but one who hasn't applied the LOVE of God to his own life and relationships!  These are more dangerous than unbelievers!!  Look out!!)  Again, everyone's love languages are different, thus, the way they SHOW love will be a little different.   But I'm talking about loving like God loves us:  does he love you unselfishly, or still think of himself first all the time?    Does he know how to serve you?    Does he listen and care about your life, even the parts he is not involved in?     Is he kind?    Does he speak kindly and respectfully?    Is he honest and trustworthy (with you AND others?  in his finances and responsibilites?)      Is he growing in grace, able to forgive and receive forgiveness?   Have you heard him say, "I'm sorry?" 
         Does he honor, respect, and protect your boundaries, physically?   Does he make you feel like a Princess?
        I could go on and on with those questions;   and obviously, there is NO ONE who is perfect in ANY of these areas....   But is it true of him in general?   When he DOES mess up, how does he handle it?
        Finally, most of these things you will only find out about a person after you've known them for quite some time.   To truly know someone, you need to watch them go through good times AND hard times.  How do they handle stress?   When things get hard, to they turn to God or something/someone else?    What's most important to a person will come oozing out whey they get "squeezed" by the pressures and realities of life.   Look for it.
       Now.    I know what you are thinking:    GEEZ,  I just started dating the guy!   All these things are a long way off!!   Could very well be true.   I hope you will have lots of time just to have fun and get to know each other.  But it's good to ask these questions up front, because there is something that happens that makes these questions hard to ask later:   you fall in love.
       This changes everything.   You may be saying, ''We're just having fun!.   I know he doesn't have his own relationship with Jesus yet,  but he's so OPEN!!"   And so you can spend time and just enjoy each other.  You know that if God taps you on the shoulder and says, 'Be careful, "  you will listen and cut it off!    No problem.  Unless......    unless you've already given your heart away.    Unless your heart is so invested that to 'cut it off' would be like cutting off part of yourself.    Then it's hard - actually, it's almost impossible.    Because once our HEART is in love, it RULES.    It over-rules all these great questions.    It over-rules what your youth pastor and parents think.     Your heart-in-love over-rules wise counsel and what you know to be true.    Your heart even begins to rule over you - and who you want to be.  It takes over your emotions.   You begin to justify certain things.  You stretch the truth just a little, or lie to those closest to you.   Then you begin to lie to yourself.  You ignore the voice of God that loves you MUCH more than any human being ever could.....   
        Which brings me to the
BONUS QUESTION:   Have you given your heart away?    Because my WHOLE PURPOSE in writing you all this is to PROTECT YOUR HEART!!    If you can go INTO this new relationship asking these questions as you go, being honest with yourself and those around you, you will GUARD your heart from unspeakable pain.  If you know that you are getting close to 'falling in love'...   or that your heart is in danger of 'falling for this guy,'   STOP, AND ASK THESE QUESTIONS.   
       Can you date an unbeliever?     Sure, go out, have fun, spend some time.    But guard your heart.   Once you 'fall for him',  your mind stops thinking clearly.   That's why it is a slippery slope to date them for very long.  It is, in a very real sense, playing with fire.   If he doesn't have his OWN FAITH and LOVE for God on his own, apart from you, he is only doing it to win you.      And once he has won you, he won't continue in these things, for he knows you aren't going anywhere.    It isn't a judgment on him, it's just the best that any guy can do without the love of God in his life.  We can only love like God when we have experienced being loved by God that way.
       So ask some questions of yourself.    Be brave enough to answer them honestly.    And trust God enough - the God who loves you passionately and jealously - the God who TELLS you to 'guard your heart' - the God who lives in you and wants to be ONE with you.... the God who KNOWS your dreams and wants to give you your heart's desire....      TRUST THIS GOD to bring you His man for you - in His time.   Don't you dare settle for anything less!!!   


(any guys reading?    Insert 'she' & 'her'....  the same principles apply!    Choose wisely!)
       
  

Purified

Your eyes of fire
      burn right through me
          see through me
                I am translucent
And what I feared
        would be revealed
             was also burned away
                  by love's refining gaze
So that I do not fear your piercing eyes
        but long for their cleansing fire
             Purifying me to the core
                filling me with the desire
To be pure
      to be seen
             to be light
                   to be translucent

"Will You Be Mine?"

When I said 'Yes' to You
      I bound myself to You forever
          As  a woman says yes to a proposal
                 and joyfully commits herself to her husband for life
When I said 'YES' to You
       I gave myself to you gladly
           I now belong to you
                 and will be YOURS forever!
When I said 'YES' to you
      I took vows to pledge you my love
          and 'forsaking all others', I took Your name
                and we became One.
But when I looked away
      another lover called
           when I turned away, even for a day
                   I rejected you
      I was unfaithful to my vows
           I did  forsake our union, an idol I chose
I broke your heart
          and caused your jealous anger to burn, yearning for my love
Why did I forget You were more than enough
          Why did I ever leave or ever look elsewhere for love?
                  O why did I cause such pain in your eyes?
You have never left me
       You have remained faithful to me, to your promises
                You have not withheld your love from me
I will return to You, my King and Bridegroom!!
       Please forgive my unfaithfulness
               I give you my whole heart~
                      I pledge you my love
                               I am Yours.
        

Magnifying Glass

       So I'm picking up some dry cleaning, and the sweet lady ringing me up says, "How are you today?"  And I say, "Fine.  Good.   How are you?"    And she says, "Fine... yes.  Fine."   And then it just hangs there.  And I walk out feeling like...  ah, that was empty.  Surfacy.   Really being, 'real, Lori....
      Or, even worse, I could say, "Well, it's been a crappy day!  You?"   And she can relate, "Oh, me too, my car broke down, my boss is mad at me.....  I can't wait to get out of here....."   And now the atmosphere of the place is really hopeful....    NOT!!   :)   If I just leave it there, now we're focused on the very real yuck of the world.    But I don't want to leave it there!  Don't I have very real hope to offer?   Don't I have an abiding peace that no circumstance can altar?   Don't I have some good news that might be just exactly what she needs to hear?   There's a God who loves us and cares!!! 
       So I ask the Lord,  help me do better!      Then I read this:

"Oh, magnify the Lord with me, And let us exalt His name together!"  Ps.34:3
                  To "magnify"  something/someone is to what?  Well, I started thinking about what we use a magnifying glass for:   to make something bigger, larger, easier to see.   To bring it closer so we can examine it, to bring it into clearer focus....
             This is my heart's cry:   that my life would bring the focus around to my God and how great is His love for us!   "Your Name and your renown are the desires of my heart!" Isaiah 26:8
            I love how David went about doing just this:   the verses preceeding this one make it clear:    "I will bless the Lord at all times;   His praise shall continually be in my mouth.     My soul shall make its boast in the Lord;   the humble shall hear of it and be glad!      Oh magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together!  I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.    They who look to Him are radiant, and their faces are not ashamed!"
              David spoke of the Lord, praised the Lord, and boasted in Him!  He testified of how God heard him when he sought him, and how he delivered him from all his fears!  Even David's very countenance was shining with the glory of the Lord, for David looked to Him for every need, gazed upon His beauty, and shone with His radiance!!   The whole book of Psalms is written to boast of the Lord, to magnify Him! 
         And then, and I love this,  David invites OTHERS  to join him in doing the same:  "Oh magnify the Lord WITH ME, and let us exalt His name TOGETHER!"    How much more can we glorify Him and make Him known, seen, when we join together to do it!    How much more joyous and wonderful when we sing His praise with many voices!   How much more we will change the world when MANY of us lay our lives down for each other,  testifying to His love and goodness in our lives TODAY!
         I'll start:  this is my reality-    my God is so good to me!   When I cry out to Him, He speaks to me and shows me that He is right here and how much He really loves me.  And  when my friend got cancer, and someone hurt my sister very badly, He has been my strength and my peace. Even when I've messed up royally or  'my day is crappy', I can honestly go on to say, "But my God..... "   As Phil Wickham says,  "I'm so unworthy, but still you love me!  Forever my heart will sing of how GREAT  You are!"
         And you?  Wherever you are today, wherever you go, may His praise be continually upon your lips.  Arm yourselves with stories of who God is and all He has done, in the good times and bad.  And when someone asks you how you are doing,  be ready to let them spill out!! 
         What we TALK about, we MAGNIFY.   The more we tell our stories of Him, the more others will see just how BIG He is!  He who created the universe is larger than we can even understand!   He who left heaven to come and be one of us and rescue us, offers us a love that is bigger than any fear or problem we face!  We have such GOOD NEWS to share!! 
        We talk about a lot of things throughout our days; the weather, the game last night, our latest frustrations.  What we talk about, we bring attention to;  we 'focus' on, we magnify. 
        O magnify the Lord with me!  Let us exalt HIS NAME together!  May His praise be continually on our lips!  

    

Don't lie to me.....

Don't you hate it when someone lies to you?    Even as I type that, I can feel the emotion that rises up from betrayal and deceit.  Feeling it, too?  It's a low blow, and leaves you feeling lower.   I hate it even more when those that I love best are lied to.   That makes the 'Mama Bear' thing in me rise up and roar !!

Well, let me start this Good News blog with some bad news:  You are being lied to.    
And I'm ready to roar!    Now, you may know it, and maybe you even recognize it and have not fallen for it, but the majority of the people that I know and love don't know it.   Let the roaring begin!  :)

I can tell you when it started, the root of the lie:   God had just created the most beautiful earth, pristine and marvelous and full of wonder.  He filled it with the most amazing waterfalls and sunsets and and colors and beauty.   He came up with endless ideas for animals, from giant elephants with ears bigger than my head to  tiny hummingbirds that can stay suspended in mid-air ....  Not to mention a whole other world BELOW the sea....   And why?   He tells us, '...   the earth was made for man.....'.    He made it for us:   an endless garden to live in and play in and enjoy!!   Adam & Eve got to hang out with God there, walking and talking with Him "in the cool of the day...."     How amazing is that?     He was revealing to them his great love for them!

Enter the lier:   You know the story.   The snake whispers into Eve's ear and lies to her about how great that fruit would be.   Wait, that wasn't the lie:  the fruit WAS good!   And he wasn't lying about 'their eyes being opened so that they would know good and evil...."     That happened, too.   (enter guilt and shame that came to stay!)   He wasn't even lying about them 'becoming like God'.  (it wasn't even wrong for Eve to WANT to become more like God:  who wouldn't want to be like the most amazing, loving person in the universe?  God's intent, in fact, is to make us like Himself....  but in His way, in His time, trusting Him to do it...)
 Without delving further into this passage from Genesis 3 (you can read it if you want), do you know what the REAL lie was on that fateful day?   What was the most deceitful message ever given, the underlying lie Satan told Eve?       It was this:     'God's holding out on you~!!!      You can't trust the heart of GOD, his heart is not good,  He's keeping the BEST stuff from you.   There's so much more!   You're missing out!!'

And it's the same lie the enemy is telling you and me today;   4000 + years later.    The same lie.   And we, for the most part, are still buying it.
Can you hear him?    He whispers to you, "God's not gonna come through.  It's time to face it, and take matters into your own hands...." 
His goal?   To get us to mistrust the good heart of God.   To get us to "take for ourselves" that which God has not given us yet.  '...take it, Eve.   You'll love it.   Take it...."
Can you hear him? 
"Take sex now.   Waiting for marriage is incredibly out of date."
"Take his offer to live together now, you know you love him.  Look at the money you'll save...."
"Take the things you want so you can enjoy them NOW... what do you think credit cards are for?"
"Take that invitation to party tonight.  Where else will you meet people?"
"Take that drink.  Who cares if you're under 21?  Who waits for that?"
"Take another, lonely lady. It's better not to feel...."
"Take that other woman.  You married the wrong one..."
"Take that other guy.  Your husband will never change..."

""When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some....."  3:6

And bam.   Eve took the bait.  She stepped into the trap, reached out her hand, and SNAP!  The trap snapped shut.   Eve was caught in the snare.  No longer free.   Now bound in the enemy's grasp.   Captive to the evil one and his lies.   And the rest of us were born from that place.  

Ready for some GOOD news?   God knew we would need rescuing.  He knew that free will would cost him:  but free will was worth it.   Think about it:  His WILL is that we would be FREE!   He gave Adam & Eve the freedom to choose whom they would trust.  He doesn't desire robots who MUST do what He says.  He wants sons and daughters who have seen clearly the lies and captivity of the enemy, and then CHOOSE to trust the heart of the Father who loves them.  He sent His only son to come and rescue us, pay the price for our ransom with his very life, so we could be FREE.  
          "For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins...."    Colossians 1:15

Look back at the list of lies our enemy is whispering to us  (notice his name is "our enemy".... he hates us with a vengence because we are God's children!!  How he craves for us to "turn to the 'dark side'!!_)
Each one of them looks good, sounds good, but  leads to bondage, captivity.  You are being lied to.    "There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads only to death."  Proverbs.          The next time you hear one of these, or feel 'tired of waiting on God's way', or catch yourself taking matters into your own hands, remember:   You are being lied to.   It is a trap.    It leads to captivity.   There IS another way:  a way for you to be free...
            Cause the truth is, God DOES love us.   God's heart toward us IS nothing but good!    He DOES want to give us GOOD things.  We CAN trust Him!!!     He is NOT holding out on us:  In fact, He LOVES and LONGS to give us GOOD gifts for us to enjoy, he wants to give us the purest and best form of these things:   like sex, companionship, joy, deep peace, provision, ... but He wants us to trust Him to GIVE them to us at the right time - not TAKE them for ourselves.  I've tried both ways.  I've been lied to and bought it. It led to misery and guilt.     So now, even when it's hard & the lie LOOKS like the better choice,  I've decided to trust the  One who loves me, the One who can see  what's best for me in the long run, the One I can TRUST, whose Name is TRUTH.....      for He will never lie to me.
  Father really DOES know best!   

"the Lord bestows favor and honor;  no good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly...."     Psalm 84:11

and that    is some seriously      GOOD news........